Imma be honest, Seekers. I might scream if I hear, "I set a boundary with so and so!" one more time.
You and I both know that boundaries 100% serve a time and a place. BUT, 'boundaries' has also become a buzz word (much like narcissist), and unfortunately not all for the better.
Can we please remember that boundaries ARE NOT meant to allow us to:
- deflect our personal responsibility
- RUN from emotions and the ROLE we play in situations / our relationships
- build a wall so we're not 'triggered' all while not working on ourselves
In short, 'boundaries' have quickly become a modern day cop out.
You bet your bottom we need to have healthy boundaries, but everything starts and ends with ourselves. How about we clean-up our side of the street before we go trying to control others and our outside world?
*disclaimer: there are extreme situations that this does not pertain to. For example, abuse. Please use discernment when reading this message today.
The way I've been seeing boundaries used lately has me seeing my own / others' ways of running from our emotions, confrontation and having to face our own BS. Before we go blaming another for how we are feeling, we should always look to ourselves first because the law of mirroring is always in effect. This means that what we see in others we can often only see because it is through the lens of ourselves. AKA if we're willing to have humility and learn from what we're seeing, there is likely an opportunity presenting itself to further heal something: our abandonment wound, feeling like we don't have a voice, advocating for ourselves, being a better listener, etc. rather than "boundarying up" or creating an emotional wall / protecting what we wish not to address within ourselves.
When we are challenged I don't think our first step should be to build walls around ourselves. Our first step should be in self-reflection and in doing that our next steps become so much clearer. In reflecting we can see if the problem is internal or external.
Of course there will be times where we need to handle the external and use healthy boundaries. I try to guide my boundaries through this perspective:
"Your boundary need not be an angry electric fence that shocks those who touch it...
It can be an consistent light around you that announces:
"I will be treated sacredly."
Much of how we are treated comes from how we treat others but also how we teach others to treat us. Always give what we wish to receive should be our guiding light when considering boundaries. And if we are doing that, we need not demand or argue how we "deserve" to be treated, we simply go to where the love is and live our as a sacred experience that it really is.
I am not suggesting that we negotiate how we are treated, but just consider:
- it can be a you thing
- you may need to give what you wish to receive
- stop demanding, arguing and labeling people as toxic/narcissist and just move on. Listen to the signs and stop fighting the natural course of your life.
Above all, remember that running / protecting yourself from discomfort will always catch up to you, and in essence, is a life half lived. Where we hurt, have tension and discomfort we are not free. All of the boundaries in the world will not set you free. Let's get out of our cages and face the world. Face ourselves.
Much love, Seekers.